Tobira
by Meimicchi
Summary: You helped me. So I will help you walk through the door of sorrow to find your own happiness, Yamato-kun. Shounen-ai, Taito.


Tobira  
4/18/01--5/02/01  
by Meimi -ksainttail@aol.com-  
This is based roughly on the Tegami drama, but not really. Only the vaguest of events   
count; the Sorato bits occuring from Yamato's point of view aren't here in this fic.  
Taito; shounen-ai warning.  
-----------------------------  
-----------------------------  
  
He sat there in the crisp winter air, silently staring ahead. The sky was the   
shade of wet greyish-white that meant snow; the icy breeze that blew his bangs into his   
eyes seemed to suggest the same.  
  
He sat there unmoving, gripping the cold metal platform below. The folds of his   
coat fluttered as he looked off to the frozen horizon.  
  
Waiting.  
  
  
----  
  
The tape winds to halt, and I sit for a moment in that happy silence of memory   
this song always leaves me in, before breaking it with the click of the rewind button.  
  
Back then, I was so happy. So unbelievably happy.  
  
A spark that told me what you had meant to say.  
  
I know that words aren't really your thing- I always had known that on the   
surface, but didn't completely realize it until a short time ago. Not till I listened to   
your tape- and when I did, you've no idea how incredibly awful I felt for hanging up on   
you before. Just because you didn't tell me quite what I wanted to hear.  
  
I see now that the tape was the same truth, just said in a prettier way.  
  
  
The truth that courage can only come from inside yourself.  
  
  
On that cassette, your opening "letter" to me was brief and quiet...not so overly   
casual to seem uncaring...but not proud, either. Just simple- your voice betraying no   
clues to the contents that followed.  
  
"I got the idea for this at the ocean. I know you like going to the sea,  
right? ...so maybe we can go later on. When you're feeling better."  
  
And then click, and the soft notes from your guitar began.  
  
  
It was really an amazing moment, when I heard that music pouring out of that old   
cassette player. Sort of unbelievable; that you, who said so little then, could tell me   
this now. For you to write such a thing for someone like me.  
  
Yamato-kun, I doubt you've any idea how that made me feel. You're not the kind of   
person who thinks very much of yourself- not because you shouldn't, but because that's   
how you've just always been. Even changing quite a bit since our younger days...I don't   
think you could even guess what it meant to me.  
  
  
/"Kimi ni datte, kitto dekiru..."/  
  
  
And then I told them that I wanted the surgery done. It sounds simple, doesn't   
it? But it wasn't...I was sincerely frightened. Of course it sounds idiotic- not wanting   
to go through with something that could help. I know everyone around me - you, too - was   
confused as to why I didn't jump at the chance. But...  
  
There's always the chance that it can do more harm than good. That knowledge, as   
you slip into a drugged sleep, that your world could change completely the next time you   
wake up. And the childish fear that you never tell anyone about- that as safe as any   
procedure is claimed to be, that you may never wake up again. After the accident, I'd   
been through so much of that fear. There had been complications...I was just afraid of   
going through it again.  
  
But after that, I said I wanted to go through with it even so.  
  
It wasn't the song itself that made me do it, though that was lovely in itself.   
But there was a message in its words. The song, as a whole, seemed to say to me, "I know   
you can do it. Deep inside yourself, even you know you can do it.  
  
"So all that's left is you you to believe you can do it."  
  
  
And I thought in a sort of dazed amazement then:  
  
  
"Someone thinks I'm special enough, to do this for me."  
  
  
If you give yourself the earned credit for it or not, Yamato-kun- you have a gift   
for telling people exactly what they need to hear, and changing them. Not always with   
your words...rarely, actually. But whether it's a song with me, too scared to take   
control and save myself; or your fists with Taichi, who told me about that day not so   
long ago, when he, too, was blinded- only seeing the things that couldn't be changed.  
  
You're quite eloquent when you don't use words, actually.  
  
It was you, and nobody else who gave me back my light, Yamato-kun. You were   
always special to me- maybe a bit more so than the others were. Taichi and I have always   
been close, I know; just due to having similar interests and being together for so long.   
But Taichi isn't the kind of person you can really *talk* to about anything easily. Not   
because he doesn't understand how you feel, but because he sometimes seems   
to...oversimplify things. He never really sees the big picture of anything- even if he   
has changed from the reckless kid he used to be, he still has the habit of overlooking so   
much.  
  
But I guess you understand that frustration better than I do, don't you...  
  
----  
  
I had planned for it to be a suprise, so I purposely didn't "write" again after   
that last tape. My heart was pounding as I rang the doorbell- the secret kind of heartbeat  
that thunders in your ears, when you're about to reveal a secret only you know about.  
  
I twisted the buttons of my coat nervously as the doorknob turned, and looked up   
into your eyes as you pulled the door open. I smiled so you knew.  
  
"They took the bandages off yesterday."  
  
You looked at me- understandably still a little suprised at my appearing on your   
doorstep when I'd been in the hospital at last check.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
A pause. "Do you want to come in?"  
  
"I'd rather we go out. If you you don't mind."  
  
Your eyes met mine, and you didn't have to ask. "...it's not a short train ride."  
  
"It doesn't matter to me- if you have the time."  
  
"I'll get my coat."  
  
And you did.  
  
----  
  
You're not one for pointless and awkward conversations, and I wasn't about to   
initiate one with you. We both stayed quiet for the most part during the trip, still   
enjoying each other's company- it was quite long, I admit, and it would seem silly to   
anyone else. There's a beach quite close to Odaiba, after all...  
  
It was gray and cold that day, and certainly not the ideal weather for going to   
the seashore. We were really the only ones there, and you stood by me as I gazed out at   
the choppy waves. The beach on a freezing winter day couldn't be called "pretty" in the   
same way it is during the summer, where blue stretches to meet blue, with the sun   
seeming to give the whole world more color...but the silence of being alone there, dark   
and monochrome or not, has a beauty all of its own to it.  
  
It still shines somehow, I think.  
  
"Because this is where my light came from." I started tracing a pattern in the   
sand with my foot, smiling. "Even if Hikari-chan has the Crest for it, you're the source   
of quite a lot of light yourself."  
  
You looked at me, and then gave me one of your slow smiles. The kind you usually   
reserve only for Taichi, or your brother, or Gabumon. And it made me feel special again.  
  
"Yamato-kun," I remarked abruptly, after a few minutes of silence. "You're quite   
a sensitive person, actually. But you aren't very good at showing that to others. I think   
you leave it up to others to figure out how you feel."  
  
You were staring out to the horizon then; eyes locked on something distant that I   
couldn't see. But I knew you were listening to me, so I went on, still keeping my gaze   
steadily on you.  
  
"That's okay, because most all of us understand each other well enough   
already...but I worry about you sometimes, you know. Because you've gotten into the habit   
of not talking enough about how you feel. And if someone doesn't understand exactly how   
you feel on their own, it could really end up hurting you- no, it is already, isn't it?  
  
"Really, Yamato-kun. I think you should tell him how you feel."  
  
You stiffened, and your eyes flew open wide as you turned to gape at me. It's   
really rare to get you that suprised, so what was supposed to be my reassuring smile was   
threatening to become a grin. Honestly, Yamato-kun...even if it weren't my Crest, I'd   
hope you'd give me more credit. I suppose know you better than even you think.  
  
"...when I was too scared of getting hurt to go forward, even if what was ahead   
was the best thing for me- it was you who helped me find my courage.... And I want to   
help you, like you helped me."  
  
We lapsed back into the quietness of the winter sea. You'd turned back to the   
ocean, still fixated on something invisible on the horizon.   
  
"...you've talked to him already, haven't you."  
  
I shook my head, brushing my hair back from the wind again. "No. Not about this."   
It's the truth. I'm not able to pin down exactly what Taichi's feelings are. Try as he   
sometimes might, Yamato-kun really is an open book if you know where to look...but Taichi   
can be so open in the first place with everything he feels, that it's hard to know where   
to start looking for something like this. It's strange.  
  
Just like the sea, your eyes seemed to turn that strange shade of blue-grey, and   
I knew you were thinking. "...there's a concert soon. In a little less than a month." I   
nodded. "Is it all right, if I let the song make its debut then?"  
  
"Of course." After all, the song was just what I needed to hear that day. It might  
become the same way for someone else, perhaps, even if it wasn't written 'just for   
them'...I hope that could happen, anyway.  
  
Even though it seemed like a change of subject, I understood. I knew you'd decided  
then. "Just don't wait around too long, though, all right?"  
  
"I'll tell him."   
  
We started moving back then, our shoes filling with slightly damp sand with every   
step, and the salty breeze still stinging our cheeks.  
  
"I'm jealous of you two, you know." You turned at that, alarmed. "Because you're   
so special to each other. I hope I find someone who thinks of me...that way..."  
  
It's true. The both of them are really lucky...I know I'm not really special like   
anyone else in our group. After all, I'm not a good singer like Yamato-kun, or smart like   
Jyou-senpai or Koushirou-kun, or as skillfully kind as Mimi-chan is...I'm not amazing at   
all, really.  
  
That's why I think I love that song so much...because it reminds me that someone   
thought I was special enough to write it for me. Even if he thinks of someone else as his   
-most- special person of all...that's all right with me. I still want to give him back   
what he gave to me: the knowledge that I believe in him.  
  
But...someday, I hope I find someone who thinks I'm the most special. Just for   
who I am.  
  
You relaxed slightly, and gave me another soft smile. "You will. I promise."  
  
And I looked backwards only once, as we left our cloudy beach that held memories   
for the both of us.  
  
----  
  
Pebbles crunched under worn sneakers, and he looked up to meet a steady grin.   
"Were you waiting?"  
  
"Yeah. For a long time."  
  
"M'not all that late, Yamato. And you could have picked someplace warmer to meet   
up, y'know."  
  
"Sorry." He didn't sound it in the least.  
  
The other eyed their surroundings. "It's hardly any fun being alone at the   
playground in the middle of winter."  
  
He stood up then, letting the other side of the see-saw unceremoniously fall to   
the ground with a crash. "I'm not alone now."  
  
"Yeah." He shoved his hands in his pockets, not seeming cold at all; despite his   
protests.  
  
"Taichi?"  
  
----  
  
I suppose back then, you had reason to wonder about my saying I felt jealous. I   
am, of course, in the way I said before...but also just a little bit more. In the way you   
thought I meant.  
  
You did make me feel special, Yamato-kun. When I realized about you and Taichi, I   
really felt a pang of jealousy inside. Not just in the "I wish someone loved me that way,"  
way, but because I had always kept a small, blind hope within me that I could be the most   
special to you.  
  
And my Crest doesn't just mean one kind of Love. It could mean "unrequited" love   
just as well...  
  
But a bitter love ceases to be Love. It becomes anger and regret, mixed with a   
shadow of what love was.  
  
So I won't let myself become like that at all. I stopped myself right when I   
realized how you felt for him, and understood by that look in your eyes how it was a real,  
deep love.  
  
Not just my longing for you making me a "special person". That was a selfish thing  
of itself to even wonder of...even though I love you so much as a friend, I never Loved   
you like that because of who youwere.  
  
The way you love Taichi.  
  
So I'll help out as much as I can with you two. Maybe it's just because I'd never   
want to injure any kind of love that runs that special. Call it a silent repentance for   
that selfishness.  
  
Call it my duty as a friend to you.  
  
I owe you that much, don't I?  
  
----  
  
"You chickened out, didn't you?" I was aghast. "Yamato-kun..."  
  
Your silence sounded quite agitated, and I suppose I wasn't making it any better.   
"I'm sorry....but the concert is coming up, right?"  
  
"I wrote it."  
  
I looked at you.  
  
"I wrote it," you said clearly. "And it tells him better than I could any other   
way."  
  
Because you never had very much confidence in words, did you, Yamato-kun?  
  
----  
  
In the two weeks that followed, you were busy with practices every day. I barely   
saw you aside from passing you in the halls at school. But I always made sure not to   
brush by without giving you a smile.  
  
"What do you think he thinks of me?" You had asked me beforehand.  
  
"You'd have a better guess at that than I," I murmured cautiously. "The two of   
you understand each other better than I ever could." I wasn't really afraid for either of   
them, though. The two of them were just so close. Even if Taichi *didn't* think of   
Yamato-kun that way, it probably wouldn't damage their friendship. Taichi was that kind of  
person.  
  
It was still cold the night of the concert. We'd all been given tickets with good   
seats, so the whole group of us pushed through the crowds to reach our places.  
  
Taichi flopped down next to me, grinning broadly. I smiled back at him, a little   
worried...really, mostly for you. You must be amazingly nervous.  
  
When the band came on, we all cheered as loudly as anyone- the first few songs   
you played were all ones we'd heard before and loved. I enjoyed them, of course, but   
couldn't forget what was coming.  
  
Then those familiar notes started up again...I'd been so wrapped up in thinking   
of the other song, that I'd nearly forgotten...  
  
"Hashiridasou dare no tame demo naku  
Tomatteru yori mashi dakara  
Tomeina kuuki ni kirisaite, mabushii ano umi ni mukatte  
Oh keep on running, keep on running   
Find out your reality..."  
  
And it was funny what happened then...suddenly it was like the song was for you,   
and not for me anymore. I'd been wishing it'd become for someone else what it was for   
me...and maybe it did.  
  
"Atarashii tobira no mae de guzuguzu shiteru hima wa nai  
Jousou tsukete tobidasou ze  
Sono tobira keriagete  
  
Kimi ni datte, kitto dekiru  
Kitto tadoritsukeru kara..."  
  
  
As the song ended, I knew somehow what was about to come. You waited for the   
noise from the crowd to die down, but the entire audience was strangely silent when you   
spoke.  
  
"This song...is one I wrote for the person I really love."  
  
The collective disbelieving gasp from every girl present was shared in the same   
breath. I barely noticed, though; keeping my eyes on you.  
  
"We've known each other for a long time," you continued. "But they don't know   
how I feel yet; I don't think. But...since that person's here tonight, I hope they'll   
figure it out." You swallowed once, and managed that faint, slow smile as the opening   
notes began.  
  
  
"Itsumo omotterudoori no  
Kotoba ienakuteita kedo  
  
Murishite miru koto  
Yappari kimeta yo  
Waratte kuretemo ii sa..."  
  
  
You were looking right at Taichi the whole time- I've no idea how you managed,   
since there was no way we were visible with all those bright spotlights aimed right at   
you...  
  
  
"Hitoribocchi no see-saw de  
Sabishikunai furi shinagara matteta  
Kimi ga suwattekuretara  
Kimochi ga tsuriau  
Egao ni nareru to omou yo..."  
  
  
I turned to Taichi, whose gaze was locked with yours, and gave him the tiniest of   
reassuring smiles.  
  
I hadn't a doubt he understood. That was just the way the two of you always were-   
closer than any of us.  
  
And any misgivings or worries I'd had beforehand settled on the wind and flew   
away.  
  
  
----  
  
Yamato-kun.  
  
The knowledge is something the two of us share.  
  
To open that door lying deep within yourself...the door that lets you leave the   
corridor of misgivings, tears, and fear of being hurt...  
  
The door that opens out into a world with blue skies, a white beach of softly   
crashing waves, and birds calling out in the distance beyond the wispy clouds- where   
everything seems clear...  
  
For you to reach that place, where you can smile while breathing in salt-scented   
air, and really believe it as you whisper:  
  
"I love being who I am."  
  
  
Pushing open that door takes a long journey down that dark corridor of pain. The   
two of us learned that together.  
  
And like you did for me, Yamato-kun. I believe in you. I'll be waiting by your   
side as well, and I'll help you take those final steps.  
  
I'm sure that you will make it through.  
  
  
---  
  
  
The other side of the see-saw settled to the ground with a   
reassuring clunk, and he looked up.  
  
"Have you been waiting?"  
  
They shared a smile- one always fast and bright, and one slower but just as kind.  
  
"Not long. Not long at all."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
--------------------  
5/02/01  
I started writing this after seeing a few too many Taito fics   
where I didn't agree with Sora's characterization. I'm not about to   
say this is dead-on IC, but I was a little tired of reading fics where   
Sora's feelings weren't focused on enough past selfishness or jealousy.  
She's never been a favorite of mine (far from it), but I do think she  
has a little more depth to her beyond the jealous bitch she's   
been portrayed as time and time again. :3  
  
The story is loosely based on the Tegami~letter drama. I say   
loosely because the events that occured from Sora's POV are used, but  
all of the Sorato from Yamato's part is not. The songs are "Tobira" and  
"Hitoribocchi no See-saw" from the Teenage Wolves single. Lyrics with   
translations to both can be found at:  
http://members.aol.com/ksainttail/tobira.txt  
http://members.aol.com/ksainttail/digi-hitori.txt 


End file.
